October 16, 2011

The "Genius" and the iPhone 4s

     If I were a reader of tech blogs, which I am not (I am open to suggestions but if the link isn't amuzing, I am leaving an obscene photo taken with my new iCamera in the comments section.), I would expect to find a post or two about the new iPhone that was released this weekend. With that written, instead of simply searching for reviews of Apple's new pocket rocket, I've decided to buy one and write my own.
     To do this required a few sacrifices on my part. I had to get sick and leave work early on Friday to go stand in line at the Apple store down the street. On top of getting sick, I took a pay cut (unless I use a sick day). Next, the "Genius" (that's what they call people who work at Apple stores) coaxed me into paying the full amount of our phone bill before I was eligible to activate my new phone. Before I could buy my new phone I had to pay a past-due amount of $217 on our bill. Whatever, I would have had to pay it as soon as my phone got shut off anyways. I was all squared away to buy my new phone and the "Genius" told me it's going to cost $650 because I am not eligible for an upgrade. He said the reason for this is because I never pay my bill on time. At this point the "Genius" expected me to leave the store without a new phone.
     That was not an option, and I quickly realized that the "Genius" was trained on protocol. He had no idea that I have been trained for the last ten years by my fave on how to find the loop holes in protocol. So I promptly asked him to cancel my current phone service and sign me up with the competitor's. The "Genius'" next hour was spent at my side working as my secretary, providing me with phone numbers and pens. By the end of the hour we were friends, I had a new phone, and I learned that he was a retired probation officer who now works at Apple for fun. I made my secretary feel comfortable by telling him that I was on probation (I am not really on probation).  
Review starts here:
     Now that I've had the phone for a couple of days I feel that I can objectively review it. The phone I replaced was an older-model iPhone, which I originally purchased because I hate talking on the phone, but love music, being connected, and having quick access to a camera.
     The best thing about the new device is that the camera is pretty bad ass, and will greatly improve the photos on this blog. You're welcome, and you'll be glad to know that the "Intelligent Keyboard" remains as stupid as ever. For example, if you want to ask a friend, "did you like it?" You will actually ask them, "did you lick it?"
     There is one new feature, however, that will make many users very happy. The new iPhone comes equipped with a girlfriend named Siri. The phone was obviously designed by a very lonely engineer who needed one more feature to go along with his "Vibrate Massager" app.
Weird app (Photo: PandP)
And without going to techie on you, from my understanding the new iPhone has two processors so loners will be able to run a multitude of disgusting applications with optimized efficiency.
     How does this pertain to cyclists. It should in keep us safer on the roads because Siri is an order taker, and can send texts by simply asking her to text "blah, blah, fucking blah to whoever." And it also appears that there are more ride-tracking apps available than the last time I visited the App Store.
     So from here on out this blog will have better photos of bikes, flowers and animals, but I would like to leave you with the last photo ever taken with my older-model iCamera. I wanted to make it a good one.
Jak being romantic on my fave's leg. (Photo: PandP)

October 8, 2011

"Why did you shave your calves?"

     I didn't shave my calves, at least not all the way. But there comes a time in the life of cyclist that the question arises. Should I shave my legs and join the "fast" club? And lately I've been riding with some pretty fast guys who are not only faster than me on a bike, but also shave their legs. So, I can't say I haven't thought about it. But, what a commitment that must be. I really don't have time to take a shower with an incorporated leg shave every day.
     One the other hand — if I do decide to lather up and go hairless, there are some really appetizing dynamics that would go along with it. For example, when I see my fave in the shower all wet and slippery, it makes me want to get all wet and slick with her. And imagine how fun it would be to jump in with her and have a shave off. Aside from the toll an event like this would take on my shower drain, there's a lot of upside here.
     As you've read, I've put a lot of thought into this, and am nearing a decision. And what if shaving my legs actually makes me a faster rider? Would I be riding with the front of the peloton? There's only one way to find out. Besides, I ride enough to know when I am getting faster or slower, and what the general cause is. If I drink or eat too much in a particular week I will have to work harder during weekend rides. And if I eat like a hippy all week (granola, berries and no red meat) my legs feel spry, much like how I imagine a jackrabbit feels daily.
     So I have decided to do this:
My left calve with a hairless spot (photo: my fave)
     As you can see, I shaved a stripe out of each of my calves (the right matches) and will test them out tomorrow. What you can't see is that I actually have bald ankles as well, and have for a long time. I wear tight socks that rub it off. My dad has the same hairless ankles — he must wear tight socks too. Needless to say, my legs have never had a more awesome hair pattern.
     This brings me full circle to my fave. I announced this news to her while she was hanging pictures in the hall.
     I asked her, "can you take a picture of my calves?"
     "Why?" She said.
     "Because I shaved them," I replied.
     "Why did you shave your calves?" She asked.
     I said, "to go faster on my bike, but don't worry, I didn't shave my legs entirely."
     It actually went over well, and she even didn't act surprised. She just took the photo I asked and was about to carry on with her picture-hanging project when I caught her off guard by asking her for one more request.
     "Will you lick it?" I asked.
     "Lick what?" She said.
     "The spot," I replied.
     How did she respond?
My fave licking the bald spot (photo: PandP)
     And that's why she's my fave.

October 1, 2011

My Favorite Thing About Weekends

     When I am not out making sure the Bay Area's rat population doesn't go extinct, you can find me strutting around town in one of my many backpacks. But wait, I am a cyclist, shouldn't I wear one of those over-sized purses the hipsters wear? Fair question I guess based on the cool-kid propaganda surrounding these impractical sacks. Messenger bags hold a purpose for a few reasons I suppose — like if you're actually a bike messenger and need to have a huge pouch swing abruptly around your body so you can quickly deliver packages. Or if you're a woman who can't find a purse quite big enough to fit all of your carryables. Or like in my case, where you needed a non-pastel colored diaper bag when your child was born. And even then, I never used it without regretting not using a backpack instead.
     But back to may favorite part about the weekend, which is getting home from work and loading up one of my six backpacks. Sometimes we don't even go anywhere, but if we did, I'd be prepared for anything. Like swimming (a pair of board shorts or two, sunscreen and Chapstick) or a night hike (flashlight, moister-wicking socks and electrolytes) or even the movies (two jackets, one for me and one because my fave will forget hers). And best of all, I can carry all of this with my hands free to wander and roam where ever they like and have the piece of mind of knowing exactly which pocket my harmonica rests in for easy access.
     Jealous yet? My fave obviously isn't — I just took a quick tally of purses suspended in her closet. I counted 16 before it hit me that we probably aren't as compatible as I once thought. Worst of all, not a backpack to be found. However, I did stumble upon my electric guitar case, which also doubles as a backpack and brings my count to 7. As it turns out, I am the jealous one because if I had over 16 backpacks the world would be just one big trail map waiting for my two-wheeled arrival.
     Instead of lashing out I've decided to handle this maturely, and since my fave is way ahead in the purse to backpack ratio, I would have to make a creative comeback. So I took these 13 or so purses:
13 or so purses (PandP)
And stuffed them into one of my favorite packs.
One of my favorite packs filled with 13 or so purses. (PandP)
Side note (in the middle of the page): This is one of my favorite packs because it can expand to hold a high volume of gear. However, it's not my overall favorite because the straps are rough on my skin when I wear it without a shirt. You should always try backpacks on in the store with and without a shirt.
     And as you can see:
Newly discovered closet space. (PandP)
I've evened the score a bit and cleared out some additional closet space. On the downside, one of my favorite backpacks is currently occupied until a better solution comes about.
     And please for the sake of utility, the next time you see hipsters (they travel in herds) with messenger bags, ask them, "what's in the purse hipsters? Diapers?"