December 4, 2013

Lying For Christmas

One consideration I never had when I married a Jewish woman, was that each year during the holidays, I would have to exaggerate the size of our Christmas tree in order for it to meet her height requirements. Size matters to my Fave, and this puts an enormous amount of pressure on me to coax her into agreeing to a tree that looks much taller than it actually is. This is accomplished by lying to her each year and it would seem that I've nearly perfected this process after over ten years worth of attempts. Here's how you lie to your fave for the holidays:

1. When choosing a location to cut down your tree, pick a real farm where you'll actually have to cut the tree down yourself — it should be a fun outing, and this method will not work if you're going to the dead tree lot on the corner.

2. Once you arrive at the tree farm, carefully scope out the terrain for a group of trees on a hill. Use your sales skills to convince your mate by saying something lame like, "it looks like there are some good ones over on that hill."

3. Let your fave casually wander the hill a bit. She/he will say stupid things like, "this one has a flat spot." Come prepared with rebuttals like, "you're right, but we could put that spot against the wall and it will look like it grew there."

(At this point it's up to you to spot your target tree, otherwise you'll be stuck Griswolding a tree home twice the size or your car. Unless you are busy making up for your shortcomings by driving a monster truck as your daily commuter — that's probably not the goal here. Besides, you're the one that will be trimming three feet off of the tree in order to fit it into your living room just because your fave insisted on bringing it home.)

4. After you find what you consider a manageable tree, call over your fave and start making your pitch, but this will only work under one condition; you must stand her/him below the tree so they're looking uphill at it. This is the most important step so please refer to my graphic illustration below for clarification, and I wish you luck by starting out the season with a lie.

Yes, we shop for Christmas trees naked and pregnant. photo: PandP